I recently dusted off my PSP. There was quite the build up having not cracked it out of its armoured Logitech enclosure for the best part of two years. I have a slim selection of UMD games following various swaps and firesales, but the one that’s remained since I bought the thing at the US launch is Lumines. And, oh boy, what a joy it was to cradle again.
Ecstasy is square-shaped.
I’ve never understood the praise heaped upon Tetris; why it has been re-released and re-imagined countless times. It all seemed so dull plonking blocks on top of each, like a 2D supermarket shelf-stacker simulator.
But Lumines is my Tetris. I now understand why falling squares can be so compulsive. It is a state of being: once those first blocks drop your grip clasps firmly, your eyes pierce beyond the screen and your brain takes over… you enter an almost Zen-like state. Let me explain…
In Lumines, you are dealt 2×2 blocks of squares. Most blocks contain two colours of square, although some blocks contain 4 squares all the same colour. Your objective is to keep the screen empty of blocks as you fail when you reach the top. To do so, you must create squares of a single colour, which disappear only when a vertical metronome line travelling from left to right passes over them. More complex shapes can be created as long as they are constructed from 2×2 blocks of a single colour. The difficulty ramps up when the metronome line slows down or the blocks you are dealt fall at a faster rate, or both. Simply placing and destroying blocks isn’t enough to reach the later levels, an awareness of the metronome’s position and speed are crucial. Slower metronomes allow you time to string-together enormous, screen-emptying combos, but false moves can prove costly as they take so long to remedy. Faster metronomes encourage a more rhythmic style as you gradually empty the screen.
The combination of the metronome, enormous combos, epileptic fit-inducing background visualisations and gentle Japanese electronica fuse like a hypnotic drug. I have played no other game that affects me physically in the same way that Lumines does. Close my eyes after a session and squares and colour cascade down the backs of my eyelids; the inky blackness warps, zooms in, zooms out, expands, contracts.
In game, holding the PSP, it’s as if your fingers are no longer under your conscious control. Your digits become extensions of whichever part of your brain is responsible for flipping and aligning geometric shapes. Your neurons fire faster than ever, straight into the PSP, by-passing any necessary motor control your fingers and arms require. Thoughts simply translate to rotations or translations. For the duration of the game, you are almost literally part of the game, all-consumed. It’s basically how I imagine stepping into Tron might feel…
Despite a roughly two year absence, somehow I still have the technique I honed when I first popped in the Lumines UMD. Clutching the PSP, my thumbs reconnected with Lumines almost instantaneously and after a few sessions my synapses were firing fully once again. On my third attempt I managed to get the third highest score on my leaderboard. The game maxes out at 1 million points, so I believe, but I’ve yet to go beyond 350,000 points. The nooks and crannies of my underused PSP may be lined with immovable, age-encrusted dust, but if in 10, 20 or 30 years time there’s one game I’ll return to for pure, ecstasy-engrossing kicks – and to top some arbitrary score – Lumines will definitely be it.
I did some work over at the Daily Mail recently. My boss got wind of the recently released Red Dead Redemption and asked me to write a piece on it. It made the main paper and I was thought it was a pretty good article, if I do say so myself, so I thought I’d share it with you too.
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The must-have videogame that teaches children to be cold-blooded animal killers
By TOM ROBERTS
Animal Killer: Children are trained to kill animals in the latest must-have videogame, Red Dead Redemption – even bears
If you thought it was bad that today’s children are constantly playing sick, depraved videogames filled with murder, drugs and rape, then the latest must-have videogame will leave you shocked.
In Red Dead Redemption videogamers are taught how to brutally kill animals before hacking them to pieces in a violent animation where blood and guts splatter the television screen. In some scenes players are even taught to decapitate the animals.
Fears are spreading that youths across the country will use their training to undertake sick acts of violence within their communities. The concerns are mounting following the vicious killing of one family’s 16-year old West Highland Terrier in Grimsby, three days after Red Dead Redemption was released.
“What kind of sick person could do such a thing?” said the dog’s tearful owner, Lindsay Davenport. “I have never been so shocked in my life. Bonnie will forever be in our hearts.”
Mrs Davenport returned home to find her front gate open and Bonnie lying skinned and decapitated on the garden path.
Bonnie, the Davenport family's West Highland Terrier, before she was brutally murdered
One 12-15-year old was spotted running down a nearby street shortly after the incident, dressed in what one witness described as a “Nike poncho”.
Police are asking for this person to come forward, as well as anyone else who can provide evidence.
Fortunately the rest of the family didn’t bear witness to the shocking crime, but father-of-three Terry Davenport has vowed to search for the killer until justice is served.
Mr Davenport was also quick to condemn the videogame makers of Red Dead Redemption calling them “twisted individuals who need to revaluate their lives and think long and hard about what they are turning this country into.”
Red Dead Redemption is the latest in a long line of reckless videogames from creators Rockstar, previously responsible for crime-simulator Grand Theft Auto IV.
In Grand Theft Auto players were shown how to deal drugs, run down people in cars and rape prostitutes. Red Dead Redemption is the latest low the game’s twisted makers have stooped to, resorting to animal killing to satisfy its audience’s depraved minds.
The RSPCA reported 112 separate incidents of animal cruelty or depravity in the three days following the release of Red Dead Redemption, before echoing Mr Davenport’s sentiments.
“I haven’t come across a case as savage as this in all my years at the [RSPCA],” said one spokesman. “Red Dead Redemption is the most digusting, inhumane creation since the abbatoir. It should never have been allowed to be made and the government has a lot to answer for.”
Ok, so I’m late to the party having only just completed the single player campaign, but Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 is one game I had to have an opinion on. It was the defining game of 2009 and arguably the decade. A decade beginning with the tragedy of 9/11, MW2 encapsulates what the ‘00s will be remembered for both in reality and in the world of videogames: terrorism and Brown Gaming.
Brown Gaming is not a particularly new phenomenon, but MW2 is the epitome of everything the genre stands for. What’s more, the ludicrous amount of money MW2 has generated for Activision is symbolic of the widespread acceptance Brown Gaming now holds.
Brown Gaming has its roots in the WW2 games of the past 10 years or so. Countless developers were churning out their particular takes on the conflict, each one pretty much identical to the next. Medal of Honour and Call of Duty were the best of a grundy bunch – and they knew it – recycling the same game each year, with a marginally larger number or slightly different subtitle stuck on the end of the sequel’s name. Gamers lapped up the subtle new shades of brown, reskinned guns and fresh beach-landing sequences year-on-year.
The shit spread and soon original IPs were being created with the hallmarks of the genre. Gears of War broke from cover. Army of Two copied that. MAG popped up. Each one was filled with guns, machismo and a distinct lack of charm or particular originality. That so many Brown games frequently top the charts is unsurprising, but nevertheless disheartening.
I recently stumbled upon an explanation of Hollywood’s obsession with a teal and orange colour palettes, a trend I’d noticed on screen but never actually been able to describe literally. Colour theory places teal and orange on opposite sides of the colour wheel and several years ago Hollywood discovered this. Head to a summer blockbuster and you’ll see this in effect. Transformers is the obvious example. Bloom and skin complexions become golden orange while silver and metals turn a slick blue. Punters lap it up, and in much the same way developers have cottoned on to gaming’s equivalent phenomenon. Although, the concept of Brown Gaming extends beyond simply the visuals and into the controls and level design too.
MW2 is textbook Brown Gaming. But what has baffled me is how appalling a game it is on its own merits, regardless of the banal genre it belongs to. Glancing over Metacritic, not one review marked it below 80%. That’s some serious praise. Even Edge failed to see through the brown murk showering it with praise and a 9/10. Where to start then…
The story. For me, a strong narrative is imperative if a game is going to bother telling a story. Kula World doesn’t need to tell me why I’m rolling a fucking beach ball round some floating blocks, but if I’m shooting someone in the face, I’d like to know why. The story is progressed mostly after each level through radio communication exchanges between the central characters: Soap, Price, Roach and some other folk I can’t remember. We hear their appalling, gruff acting while onscreen a cursor zips around a map of the world, zooming in and out on various countries, while various boxes flash up containing wireframe guns before quickly disappearing again. The box should come with a warning for epileptics. After a few minutes of this hyperactivity, you’re plonked straight into a warzone. Except where you land is anyone’s guess. It’s like stepping out of the fucking Tardis after the Doctor has been on an all night Meow Meow binge. One moment you’ll be in Brazilian favelas, the next American suburbia complete with white picket fences. Or: from a snowy mountaintop to a taco joint.
Why is anyone’s guess: having finished the game, I’ve basically gathered that the American’s don’t get along with the Russians on this pseudo-Earth. So, they decide to have a fight that literally covers the entire globe. And, some tanned folk are thrown in to keep gaming’s Middle-Eastern headcount ticking upwards for good measure. Or maybe they were supposed to be Brazilians? But since when has Brazil been a renowned hotbed for terrorists? Nnrgghhh… Inevitably along the way there’s double-crossing and backstabbing, but it’s done so ineptly, it makes 24 look subtle when it’s revealed yet another mole is working within CTU.
I could go on, but games struggle with story-telling at the best of times, and Serious Sam didn’t need to explain its insanity, so perhaps it’s possible to just enjoy playing MW2? Oh wait…
I have never played a game with so much hand-holding. Hand-holding that more often than not leads you into the back of an ice-cream van for more than just a 99 with a flake. Missions basically involve heading towards a dot. Occasionally, there’ll be treasure at the end of the rainbow such as a rocket launcher, but more often than not, as you arrive at the dot it fucking moves another 100m away. Off you go, son.
Some missions require you to follow an invincible companion as he charges off fearlessly knowing he can’t be killed by anything. The most pain they feel from a grenade exploding under their feet is a ringing sensation in their ears for a few seconds. Then they charge off barking orders at you to follow them. Which, being the obedient lapdog you are, usually results in the enemy scoping you out first and putting a bullet between your eyebrows. I lost count of the amount of times I was stood reloading next to Price having raced after him, only for a single bad guy to step out, walk past him and nail me. Mercifully, respawn points are plentiful but this in itself is a huge design flaw. You basically can’t fail, taking away any sense of challenge in the process. Couple this with extremely linear level design where there is zero reward for exploration and you’re basically left with Time Crisis played with infinite continues using a fucking gamepad. Without the humour. Or fun. Especially the fun.
In Time Crisis you only ever really used one gun, but at least you felt like you were holding a proper gun, by way of the G-Con. MW2 offers countless weapons, maybe 20 different ones at a guess, but once again they’re the same old shit reskinned differently. Even then, they mostly feel identical to use. There’s the automatics with red dots and those with ironsights. Then sniper rifles and rocket launchers and that’s about it. And grenades. And riot shields. Everyone goes down in one or two shots – which is fine – but you never come up against anything that requires a new tactical approach. Duck behind some cover, then pop out and pop off a few rounds. That tactic will get you through pretty much every scenario.
What’s more, it’s like the designers realised how bland the regular shooting sections were, so they decided to shove in a few diabolical vehicular sequences too, to break up the monotony. The snowmobile and water rafting levels make the driving sections in the recent Alone in the Dark redux enjoyable. And by Christ, that’s one game you ought to avoid like the Plague.
“Dodge the chopper fire!” shouts Soap at one point on the rafting level, “Stay out of the open!” That figures; sage advice Soap, thanks. “Head left!” Y’sir! Left you go, straight into what might as well be a fucking reservoir. After 10-15 attempts of being peppered to death by helicopter hellfire, I muted Soap and what a surprise, I managed to navigate through unscathed.
My hatred for MW2 is limitless. It’s a hugely irritating, samey and uninspiring game with an atrocious story and generic meathead soldier characterisation. It contains absolutely everything I detest about gaming, and saddest of all, it’s indicative of the direction mass-market gaming is travelling in: catering for people who think gaming is about guns and shootin’ shit, and little else. Even the top-bods behind the game are beginning to resemble the money-grabbing execs within Hollywood and the music industry, which leaves a particularly bitter taste as gaming inevitably evolves from a hobby into a multi-billion pound industry presided over by fat-cat arseshats. It fills me with dread imagining how many fucking idiots are going to shell out £55 for next year’s steaming Brown turd. I can see ‘celebrity gamer’ Vernon Kay at the MW3 Leicester Square premier already… Is this the future? Kill me, now.
I am a shameless S.T.A.L.K.E.R fanboy. Shadow of Chernobyl is one of the best games ever created. The less said about Clear Sky, the better, although it had a few decent moments to be fair: some beautifully designed environments and a handful of well crafted action set-pieces saved it from being totally shit. I’ve been playing through Call of Pripyat recently and I’m about 2/3s the way through, I guess. More to come on the game as a whole once I’ve finished it.
Here, I present one example of the hundreds, thousands and millions of standout, non-scripted moments that the series is so successful at creating. Those memorable, bite-size chunks of joy you experience and then rush online to tell people about.
The scene: an emission is imminent. This is bad news. The sky melts into various shades of death and environment turns into a scorching red colour if you hang around to find out what an emission looks like. The sky’s sanguine complexion is caused by the unstable radiation that permeates through the Zone.
This particular emission couldn’t really have come at a better time, I naively think. I’ve just nailed six or seven particularly beefy soldiers in a pitch black, deserted office complex. If it had arrived any sooner, my face would melted as I struggled to evade the goons.
I head downstairs to the nearest saferoom, but, wait. A flashlight motions around the walls of the room I’m just about to enter, emanating from another adjoining room. Shit. Shit, shit, shit! I have nowhere else to go. I turn my own torch off and sidle along the wall into safety away from the emission, but literally feet away from three more goons. I can hear their footsteps. They were probably dispatched to kill me with the earlier hitsquad, but being the third wave, they were caught in the emission too and headed for cover. I’m teetering on the edge of safety. Wave a hand 12 inches in front of me and I could make shadow puppets on the wall bathed in the flashlight’s glow.
The emission ends. Phew. Time to go. But, I’m not the only one. The torchlights swoop violently as the soldiers mobilise, then walk straight through the doorway into the room I’m huddled in. I haven’t saved for a good 15 minutes… Uh oh…
Busted!
Instinct kicks in, naturally the killer variety…
DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE
The dust settles…
Get up in my grill, and you gots what's comin'.
Somehow, somehow, I’m still standing. My heart is pounding, my shotgun smoking and three bodies lie steaming on the floor, cordite oozing through the air. I loot their corpses. There’s no time for reflection the Zone. Pripyat awaits.
Much can be learned from Lara's latest. Read on dear Reader...
Earlier this week, Squenix announced a new Tomb Raider game: Lara Croft and the Guardian of Light as it’s succinctly known. The franchise has been dangling by its fingertips above a pit of mediocrity for several years now, but rather than have yet another stab at climbing out, Crystal Dynamics has decided to burrow sideways for an alternative way back to the surface, taking Tomb Raider in an entirely new direction. It’s gone from a 3D-platforming-puzzler into an isometric arcade-inspired action romp.
The new direction the Tomb Raider series is heading in has coloured me intrigued. It’s a clever bit of blue-sky-thinking or some other equally horrendous phrase that the brains behind the franchise have come up with. Pump out a relatively inexpensive-to-make download-only title in between proper Tomb Raider titles to allow the devs time to make that properly awesome. Charge 1200-1600 Microsoft points – or whatever that is in real money – for LCATGOL and make a fair chunk of wonga in the process. And then in the process, rekindle the love of the jaded Tomb Raider fans who’ve lost all hope of the series ever reaching the lofty heights of the PS1 era games. Who knows, if it can emulate the success of premium download titles like Shadow Complex, it could be the beginning of something very beautiful and lucrative.
It’s been over a decade and a half since we first laid eyes on Lara’s pixellated curves. Tomb Raider is a household franchise now and LCATGOL has come out of the leftfield; it’s a brave attempt at creating something fresh but with a retro vibe. It got me thinking… what other franchises that have fallen by the wayside could be given a similar redux treatment…
Pro Evolution Soccer: Tactics
PES has become a bit shit in recent years, dethroned by EA’s goliath FIFA. What better way to reinvigorate the series than by making it turn-based! All that fast-paced footy action even more accurately simulated with not just player stats, but dice rolls for successfully completing passes, taking shots, tackling and even diving! You’ll never have to contend with infuriatingly efficient linesmen ever again because you’ll know exactly how closely in line with the opposition’s back-four you are thanks to the hex-based playing field.
Quake 5: Ride My Rocket
Quake 4 was a largely forgettable, largely brown and grey experience with some excuse for a storyline thrown in. Everyone knows Quake is all about competition, killing and machismo. Gaming hasn’t done dating yet, so step forward Quake 5: Ride My Rocket. In it, up to 16 WHOLLY-MALE players battle to the death Team Arena-style. Waiting in the wings sheltered by railgun-proof glass, a solitary damsel waits for the gibs to settle and the victorious MAN to step through the red mist and take her back to his castle. Time to shut up shop Match.com and Guardian Soulmates, internet prowlers have a new place to impress the fairer sex.
Gran Turismo: World of Petrol
Driving in Gran Turismo is so realistic, it’s even more mind-numbingly boring than the real thing. While Polyphonic Digital spends another five years making sure the sun shines JUST RIGHT off the bonnets of the cars in game number 5, one side project to keep petrolheads satiated could be physics-based Gran Turismo: World of Petrol. Enthusiasts are tasked with navigating gasoline blobs of goo through anally recreated car engines into the pistons or wherever the stuff goes. Complete a level and you’ll be given the chance to turn the virtual key of that particular car in its virtual ignition and listen to a recording of the real-life car! Get a fellow Clarkson-wannabe round, pull your jeans up high above your waist, pop in your Buzz! controllers and get guessing the sound of the engine! Fun times.
Sim City: Fixing Broken Britain
SimCity is a gaming relic nowadays. It’s had various iterations over the years, but never really evolved much beyond city management on a macroscopic scale. If ever a franchise needed sexing up, this is it. Blighty is in the grip of an evil never seen before: the incoming Prime Minister Cameron says so, hence it must be true. Children roam the streets raping younger children and shanking grannies. The mothers and fathers of said children are fatter and stupider than ever before, leeching off the state taking the taxes that could be paying for the moats surrounding the castles of our country’s most important leaders. Britain is broken! Will Wright needs to realise this too, then create a new version of SimCity that offers the player the chance to rule with a zero tolerance policy. Build vast financial districts full of money-pushing shysters while constructing ghettoes for the great unwashed. If one of the plebs enters your glorious city, switch to the newly implemented first-person-shooter mode, where the camera zooms into the city looking through the eyes of a Barbour-wearing Social Cohesion Enforcer armed with a 12-bore. Blast the hooded wearing chavs into extinction and then sit back and watch the country heal. God save the Queen!
Psst. I did some work with PC Gamer last week, and had to write about this TF2 machinima. It’s hilarious. Watch it below, and while you’re doing that I’ll test out how to embed video content into this here page and technical stuff like that. You’ll be my very own guinea pig! SQUEAK, SQUEAK.
I’m Tomo, pleased to meet you. You may already know me as Tomo, or you may have read my words prefixed by the moniker: Tom Roberts. That’s my stage name, in the theatre of journalism and life. You try telling people your name is Tomo and watch the funny looks you get.
A lot of those words comment on and describe developments in the world of computer games. I love them. And you should too.
If that’s not your inclination, I’ve also been Editor of Felix, the student newspaper of Imperial College London. I managed not to run it totally into the ground and some impressive people on a bigger newspaper decided to give me some glass with my name engraved into it as a reward. I was very pleased and so were my friends.
I also take pictures and sometimes get paid to do so. That’s very nice. I’ve scoped out some famous people…:
Woo! Jo Whiley down my lens piece!
…plenty of excited young’uns…:
HAPPY FUN TIMES. Morons.
…creepy-crawlies…:
You swallow 18 of these beasts a year in your sleep. FACT.
…and gloomy farms in the inbred East Anglian countryside:
What you can't see are the boggle-eyed freaks lusting for my blood
You can find the rest of my picture collection on my Flickr page. Click here or following the Links button on the left there.
So, that’s a bit about me. There’s a few leaks and the walls are peeling, so bear with me while I get on renovating this place, but hopefully it’ll be ready soon. Then you’ll be more than welcome to make yourself at home.
